DIVORCE IN THE BIBLE
by Ray Mossholder
I urge you to have your Bible
open for this study and look at all verses listed, Old Testament and New.
Nothing written here is to be interpreted as a treatise blanketly endorsing
divorce. Divorce is like a shoot-out between Siamese twins.
A Christian husband or wife
who has at some point in their relationship honestly loved the spouse they have
now divorced or are divorcing, will almost certainly carry an aching regret inside
and a void that was once filled by that person. Feelings of failure, feelings
of guilt, feelings of wishing afterward that things could have been different,
feelings of disobeying God or God failing them, plus the inevitable reaction of
others, including family and close friends, many of whom are shocked, hurt, and
totally disapproving of the divorce, are constant obstacles those divorcing or
are divorced most often face.
Christians often condemn
anyone who is divorcing because they err. not knowing the Scriptures (Mt.
22:29). Christians who are condemners lack empathy and often believe there
should be none given to any Christian who divorces. These condemners look at
divorce as total disloyalty to God. No thought is given credence when a
divorcing spouse attempts to explain what was going on that brought about their
divorce. Only the couple and God can possibly know all the factors involved in
bringing about the final decision to divorce but nothing either of them says
can possibly make any difference at all to the condemner.
In the beginning, God meant
for every first marriage to last a
lifetime (Mt. 19:8). However,
sin then entered the world and this same God's mercy endures forever. He who
freely granted divorce in the Old Testament "Because of the hardness of
men's hearts" (Mt. 19:8) is "the same yesterday, today and
forever" (Heb. 13:8). Certainly Jesus Christ who knows each person by
their spirit, soul and body, "understands their weaknesses and sympathizes
with them" (Heb. 4:15-16).
The Old Testament approach to
divorce, once understood, is shocking to the average Christian today. But to
realize it continued throughout the time that Christ ministered on Earth and
many many years after that, is even more shocking. Jesus had come to fulfill
the Law and until He gasped "It is finished" as He expired on the
cross (John 19:30), the Law remained in full affect. Grace replaced the Law
when the Holy Spirit came (Luke 24:49; Acts 1:4-5, 8; 2:1-4), though the Law
still had a great hold on the early Church especially among the Messianic Jews.
Tradition is always something extremely difficult for any human to change.
All a man had to do to rid
himself of his wife during the days of living under the Law was to write a bill
of divorcement (Dt. 24:1), a short note that could list any reason at all for
the husband no longer wanting to remain married to his present wife. He could
write anything: "You are too loud." "You don't cook my favorite
things." "You argue with me." "I don't like your
mother," then directly face his wife and tell her, "I divorce you! I
divorce you! I divorce you!"
Once a husband handed that
note to his wife and told her three times, "I divorce you," his wife
had to immediately leave their house and their marriage, and that husband and
wife were considered by everyone, including God, to be divorced (Dt. 24:2-4). A
wife was left penniless, with no ability to take anything with her at all. Her
children, her dog, her clothes, etc., could not go with her. Forget in your
mind any court proceedings and any attempt at fairness from the divorce courts
of today. There was no such thing. Nothing was hers, all was his. The Old
Testament said so and at least on that one point, the government agreed.
While Jesus was on Earth. the
Pharisees asked a question you may well be asking too: "Why then did Moses
ever grant divorce through using a bill of divorcement?" Jesus answered,
"Because of your hardness of heart." (Mt. 19:7-8). God knew, in
granting this barbaric practice, that many husbands would kill their wives if
there was no other way out of their marriage. A bill of divorcement was sadly
the lesser of two evils.
The "life sentence"
of not being able to divorce was given only to men who falsely accused their
wives of sleeping with another man (Dt. 22:13-19), or men who raped single
virgins (Dt. 22:28-29). From that time until one of their deaths, the wife
under those circumstances could completely withhold sex and daily spit in his
food, and he could do nothing at all about it.
Men being sentenced to never
divorcing was God's way of taking care of both the violated wife and the
violated wife's father. Once a single girl or woman had had sexual intercourse,
whether by rape or not, she was considered "used" by all Jews and
thought of as no longer desirable as a friend or life partner unless they got
married.
Male Jews woke every morning
thanking God they weren't a woman. A wife in their mind was someone who took
total care of the house, a husband's needs, including physical; and the
children's needs. They were only a tiny step higher than a domestic slave. A
single female found it almost impossible to get any other kind of job except
domestic. Jewish women who did live alone unmarried were rare and generally
looked down upon. They were usually thought of as one who must be a prostitute.
The question would rise about her, "How else could she afford a home by
herself?" Females had absolutely no training in anything but household
duties. They were believed by men to be spiritually inept and unqualified by
their gender to study the Torah. So, if a man was found to have raped a female,
he had to marry her and bring her into his home.
And God watched out for a
raped female's father. God fashioned His Law so that her father should receive
and never have to give back the dowry he had been given by a liar or a rapist.
Usually a large sum of money was involved in all dowrys. (See "Fiddler On
The Roof.")
God did not forbid remarriage
as proven by Dt. 24:1-4. The Law stated that a woman who was given a bill of
divorcement by her husband could marry, but if she then divorced her second
husband or he died, she could not return and re-marry the first husband because
she'd obviously had sex with her second husband. (The word "defiled"
is continually used in the Old Testament to describe either a woman's menstrual
period or her sexual involvement.)
In Isaiah 50:1 God tells
Israel why she is in captivity. It was their sins that were their undoing. It
was not, God says, that He divorced Israel and sent her away.
But by the time of Jeremiah,
GOD DID DIVORCE FAITHLESS ISRAEL. In Jeremiah 3:8, Jeremiah says that since
Israel worshiped other gods as if to make love with them, God "divorced
faithless Israel." The timeline is important here. Isaiah lived 740-680
B.C. Jeremiah lived 627-585 B.C. So in between the time of Isaiah and the time
of Jeremiah, God divorced. Think of that. GOD GOT A DIVORCE!
The thrill of being "the
Bride of Christ" is immense for every Christian. Yet, if God had not
divorced faithless Israel He would have been a bigamist rather than the Groom
to His new Bride. In every sense of the word THE CHURCH IS THE SECOND MARRIAGE
PARTNER OF GOD!
The final mention of divorce
in the Old Testament is too often misunderstood. It is found in Mal. 2:10-16.
The issue is men who abandon the wives of their youth for pagan women who do
not worship God. God is speaking to the very same issue as He spoke when
addressing the Jews in Jeremiah 3:8 and Nehemiah 13:23-27. Pagan women brought
pagan gods into their husband's homes (Mal. 2:11). Even wise Solomon became
debauched in his old age and turned away from God because of his pagan wives (1
Kings 11:1-13).
Three things stand out in
Malachi 2:10-16:
First, GOD HATES DIVORCE.
There is no honest Christian who doesn't hate it. The seriousness of divorce
and it's direct consequences can't be overstated. Divorce is a monument to
failure. Divorce divides families in a way that only death can equal. Many a
family member or friend has lost their faith in Christ in seeing the one they
viewed as their Christian role model caught up in a divorce. Anyone
contemplating divorce must face the strong possibilities of such fallout. Yet
too few contemplating divorce expect it or know any way to prepare for it.
Once divorce begins, awful
surprises often overwhelm both separated partners. As one godly counselor told
me, "You are now going to know who your real friends are and who they
aren't! And that discovery will surprise and disappoint you." That
revelation in itself can be devastating. It was for me.
Second, though God hates
divorce, GOD DOES NOT HATE DIVORCEES. Nor does divorce make the divorcee
"a fifth class Christian." Perhaps the hardest thing that a hurt and
angry spouse needs to realize if they think of themself as the victimof
divorce, is that God isn't angry with the Christian who caused the divorce.
Christians live forever forgiven by God because of what Christ did on the cross
(John 3:16; Acts 3:19; Rom. 8:1, 38-39; Gal. 2:20-21; Heb 8:12; 1 John 2:1.)
The Alpha and Omega knows from the beginning when any couple will end their
marriage in divorce.
Bitterness, feelings of guilt
and/or self-hatred can plague the divorced person. Yet Christ died to rid every
Christian from just such feelings. Christ never tells any Christian to focus on
self but on Him, the Redeemer. As long as a Christian mentally nails themself
to their own cross, Christ who died on the cross for them is unable to set them
free from what they're doing to themself: Mt. 6:14-15; 18:30, 32-35; Mark
11:25-26, etc.)
Third, divorce is NOT the
unforgiveable sin. The unforgivable sin only occurs when a person goes all
their life and dies without receiving Christ as their Savior (Mt. 12:31-32;
Mark 3:22-30.)
The point of these passages in Matthew and Mark is that Jesus with His love and miracles was obviously God come to Earth and the Pharisees who rejected Him were rejecting God.
Finally, though procreation
is certainly not the only reason God has for marriage, He emphasizes how
important it is to "raise godly offspring." Carried into New
Testament times He is saying that marriage is only to be between a Christian
husband and a Christian wife. To those with the capability of having children
their charge from God is to raise children who both love God and joyfully serve
Him (1 Cor. 7:14.)
THE NEW TESTAMENT AND DIVORCE
In His first mention of
divorce in the New Testament, Jesus makes it clear that He is speaking about
this practice of husbands writing "a bill of
divorcement" and throwing wives out of their homes. He condemns the
practice unless the wife has been sexually unfaithful before the
marriage (Mt. 1:19), during the marriage, or found to be near of
kin (Lev. 18; Acts 15:29).
It should be understood that
when Jesus says throwing a wife out..."makes her commit
adultery," and "whoever marries her commits
adultery," (Mt. 5:32) He is in the midst of giving the Sermon on
the Mount and speaking in hyperbole (common in those days), speaking as one
might do with children when one wants to shock them into not doing something.
He is not being literal. Proof enough of this fact is that immediately before
this statement He has said one should gouge out their eye or cut off their
right hand if it causes them to sin (Mt. 5:30). How many sightless,
one handed Christians would be on this planet today if such a verse was taken
literally?!
A quick reading of Mt.
19:3-12 seems to find Jesus condemning divorce entirely unless adultery
has been involved. But we must never do a "quick reading" of any
Scripture and believe that we know what it says. There are points to ponder
here that give, as usual, a remarkable answer from Jesus to the Pharisees:
First, the Pharisees always
came to Jesus for the purpose of trapping Him in a statement that would either
prove He was not the Christ (an impossible task!), or divide the Jewish people
against Him. In this passage they come knowing full well that there were two
Jewish schools diametrically opposed to each other on the subject of divorce.
There was the rabbinical school of Shammai that taught a man could not divorce
his wife unless she was caught in adultery. And there was the rabbinical school
of Hillel that taught a man could divorce his wife for any reason,
including burning the toast. The Pharisees believed whichever way Jesus
answered He would divide many Jews away from Himself by answering.
Second, what Jesus answered
has NOTHING to do with divorce as we know it today. Not to be redundant, but
divorce during the earthly days of Jesus' ministry still meant what it meant
throughout the Old Testament - a wife receiving a bill of divorcement was
forced to leave her marriage forever with no money, no children, no clothing
except for what she wore when leaving - nothing at all that she had gained
while married. Everything of value, with no exception, remained totally and
legally with the husband. Division of property, child's rights, etc. were given
absolutely no consideration whatsoever. The wife became a penniless street
person because her husband simply didn't want her anymore.
Jesus immediately, as always,
disappointed the Pharisees with His answer. Rather than begin an argument with
them. He answered from Scripture. He quotes Gen. 1:27 and Gen.
2:23-24, reminding everyone that the purpose of God in creation was that a
husband and wife were to be "one flesh" with the greatest
possible fellowship with each other that would joyfully lead to regular times
of intercourse (1 Cor. 7:3-5.) In other words, marriage was meant to
be the deepest relationship possible among humans - spirit, soul and body(Eph.
5:21-33). No other human ever had any right to bring division between the
married couple.
I've already mentioned what
the Pharisees did next. They asked, "Why then did Moses ever grant
divorce through using a bill of divorcement?" Jesus answered,
"Because of your hardness of heart." (Mt. 19:7-8). That bill was
better than murder!
Jesus then nails the man who
writes a bill of divorcement because he wants to marry another woman. Such a
man, Jesus says, is guilty of adultery (Mt. 19:9). It is Christ's own
disciples who are shocked with this statement. They exclaim, "If the
relationship with the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to
marry!" (Mt. 19:10) His answer to them all is "Not all
men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been
given." Jesus gave this teaching to His godly followers of that
day. To anyone else, it wouldn't matter what Jesus said because THEY KNEW what
God's Law said. No such hideous divorce procedures remain in any true form
of Christianity today.
Importantly Mark
10:2-12 records the same occurrence as written in Mt
19:3-12. However it gives us an answer only given to Christ's disciples,
not to the Pharisees. After the Pharisees left, Jesus told
them, "Whoever (writes a bill of divorcement) against his
wife commits adultery, and whoever (walks out on her husband) and marries
another man commits adultery." (Mark 10:11-12) This is an even harsher
teaching than the one found in Matthew 19. It makes a husband or wife
starting a romantic relationship with someone other than a married persons
spouse while they are still married, something God says only heathens do.
It is certainly no accident that
the very next subject following this statement is children because it is often
children who suffer the most in any divorce. They lose the visual and emotional
pattern God set for marriage and instead see marriage trashed before their very
eyes.
As soon as separation between
their parents begins, a child or teenager loses precious time with their own
dad or mom in their formative years or even in their adult years, and far too
often they lose their mom or dad altogether. In America, one third of fathers
abandon their children and never see them again following divorce.
Meanwhile, children are often
forced to try to accept a substitute for a dad or mom that almost never seems
to measure up to their own. And if the child or teenager is able to see both parents,
they do it by being treated like human ping-pong balls, bouncing back and forth
from one parent's home to the other's.
Often their new
"parent" is hostile with anger because they didn't want the
child(ren) or teenager(s) at all. They only wanted the mother or father of
these kids. Competition is too often automatic between the son or daughter and
the substitute "boyfriend/ girlfriend/spouse, both wanting quality time
with the one they believe should give them first place if they really loved
them. Thus no one gets all the access they desire or need.
A husband or wife caught in
the middle of this kind of emotional tug-o-war, runs the gamut of feelings that
include terrible guilt, anger, frustration, and a host of other negative
feelings. That competition between siblings and a rival "parent
figure" causes them to be constantly in the way of each other. None of
this is what God at all designed for marriage or for family.
So, what of the terribly
unhappy marriage that goes on and on and on in the name of Christianity? Does
constant fighting between parents, whether verbal or physical, please God or
create a healthy environment for children or teenagers? When 1 Cor.
2:3-5; Ephesians 5:21-33; I Tim. 3:4-5; 5:8; Titus 2: 2-8, I Peter
3:1-7 and other God-directions for a husband and wife are constantly
violated by either the husband or wife, or both, is it God's command for such
marriages to continue?
When a husband is continually
angry against his wife or vice versa and one or both of them allows their bitterness
to further lash out verbally/and or physically against their offspring, does
God offer no protection or way of escape for him or her and their abused
siblings? (1 Corinthians 10:13)
When a husband or wife lives
strictly for themself and refuses to acknowledge the importance and real needs
of their spouse, living the exact opposite of Ephesians 5:24 or 25, is the
neglected spouse to simply suffer year after year through the bondage of a
miserably unhappy marriage? What then happens to the "life more
abundantly" that Jesus came to bring every Christian? Is a trapped spouse
meant by God to simply grin and bear it?
When a husband or wife never
tries to understand their spouses view of things, physical needs, or honor them
as their life partner (I Peter 3:1-7) and instead mocks any weakness
they see in them, is the maligned spouse to remain happily ever after?
When either spouse is
regularly critical of and verbally demeaning to their husband or wife,
embarrassing them in front of family, friends and/or strangers, and this goes
on and on, are they to live in the bondage of (as Henry David Thoreau described
it) "a life of quiet desperation?" Is divorce any option at all?
When either a husband or wife
commits adultery, is the spouse to simply smile and accept it in the name of
"Christian" love? Even though forgiveness from the violated mate is
necessary for their own peace of mind, only those with hard hearts would say
yes.
Today God tells us "Let
every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no
authority except from God and those who exist are established by
God" (Rom. 13:1). The laws, especially in America and much of the
western world, have attempted to remove as far as possible any barbarianism in
divorce. No longer is a divorced wife expected to leave her house and her
marriage to wander aimlessly without care or finance. The Law did allow
remarriage as a possibility for a misused husband or wife.
Obviously, we live in an
imperfect world and even the best intentioned human judges can still find
themselves unable to help a husband or wife whose former spouse is in themself
barbaric. But even in the worse situations we are worlds apart from the hideous
bill of divorcement.
How far apart are we from it?
We are as far apart as the distance in time before the cross and after the
cross:
Before the cross: "Every priest
stands daily ministering and offering time after time the same sacrifices,
which can never take away sins." (Hebrews 11:11)
After the cross: Jesus says, "Behold,
I have come to do Your will." He takes away the first" (the Law)
"in order to establish the second" (grace, which means
"absolutely undeserved favor or kindness.") "by this will
we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once
and for all....For by one offering He has perfected for all time those who are
sanctified. And the Holy Spirit also testifies to us; for after saying, 'THIS
IS THE COVENANT THAT I WILL MAKE THEM AFTER THOSE DAYS, SAYS THE LORD, I WILL
PUT MY LAWS UPON THEIR HEART, AND ON THEIR MIND I WILL WRITE THEM,' He then
says, 'AND THEIR SINS AND THEIR LAWLESS DEEDS I WILL REMEMBER NO MORE.'"
(Heb. 10:9-10, 14-17.)